WHAT HE WANTS: INTIMACY
By Drew Allen
From what I hear, there’s a myth that’s been circling among women at tea parties and in yoga classes that most men have no interest in and no clue about intimacy. It’s as if my counterparts and I are some Neanderthals from the Stone Age who grunt when we kiss you and drag you off to bed by the hair.
Even though some of us may have a penchant for monster trucks and bloody UFC bouts, we also have a great appreciation and desire for intimacy. But here’s where the caveman comparison isn’t so far off base: for us, intimacy isn’t complicated. It all boils down to two very simple things: trust and exclusivity.
Now, when I say “trust,” I’m not talking about the “you can believe when I say I’m chillin’ with the homies that I’m actually with the homies” kind of trust. That should be a given; and, honestly, if that’s even a question in your relationship then, chances are, you aren’t in an intimate one to begin with.
The kind of trust I’m talking about is a two-way street. Sometimes that trust shows up when you complain to me about problems you’re having at work and I give you advice about how to solve them. Or maybe it’s when I’m sweating you about getting your oil changed because your check engine light has been on for a month. If you don’t take your car in for service, or you ignore my advice, your actions say to me that you don’t trust my opinion. But if you do, then the exact opposite happens. It lets me know that you understand I’m not telling you these things to puff up my chest or boss you around. I’m telling you this because I care, I want to protect you and I want you to trust me enough to let me be your man.
The exclusivity pill should be an easier one to swallow because I think men and women actually appreciate it equally. Just like you want to know that your man is only doing certain things with you (fill in the blanks however you like), we like to know that you are only doing certain things with us. What may surprise you is that our definition of exclusive activity doesn’t only relate to sex.
For instance, if you book a cabin for us to spend a cozy romantic weekend in the mountains, I don’t want to hear that you did the exact same thing with one of your exes. Or, if your specialty in the kitchen was frying up catfish for some other cat, I’m gonna need you to learn how to grill some steaks for me. That may sound petty, but it’s real. We are territorial creatures and, to quote Prince’s classic song “Little Red Corvette,” I don’t need to see the pictures of “the jockeys who were there before me.”
I know what you’re thinking. In fact, I can feel some of you rolling your eyes even as I write this.
Some of you may dismiss everything I’ve said, and chalk it up to a typical male ego. And that’s fine. The fact that men are driven by ego should come as no surprise to anyone. And if you’re a grown woman who’s just now finding that out, all I can say is better late than never.
But for those who may have questioned it before, here’s the answer: men do want intimacy. We crave it, we seek it and when we find it we’re willing to do whatever it may take to hold onto it. That’s the good news.
The even better news is: it’s really easy for you to achieve real and lasting intimacy with a man. All you have to do is be willing to meet him on a 2-way street and treat him like he’s the only car on the road.