Why He’s Not Married

By Drew Allen

Photo Credit: Cornell Mare

I recently read an article featured in the Huffington Post that explored the reasons why so many women aren’t married!  As the writer, having been married three times herself, proclaimed the real reason these eager-to-be brides are still waiting to jump the broom, it got me to thinking about why so many men – including myself –  aren’t married, yet? What is it that men are waiting for? Are we afraid of commitment? Are we just not ready to give up all those nights with the boys?  Are we still shopping for something better than what’s laying in bed next to us right now?

Whatever it is, I bet if you asked ten different men why they aren’t married you’d probably get ten different answers.  I mean let’s face it, not all men are alike; because if we were, it wouldn’t be so hard for women to make up their minds, right? WRONG!!! The truth of the matter is, the woman chooses her husband, but it’s up to the man to find his wife.  So then what’s the problem? Why are so many men still single you ask? Good question! Simply put…most are still looking.  So, perhaps the better question is: What are men really looking for?

To understand what men are really looking for will require most women to strip themselves (and I don’t mean literally) of all the myths you think you may know about men and go back to the basics. See a lot of women have it misconstrued when it comes to why they think men aren’t married or even ready for marriage for that matter. Women tend to forget one important distinctive difference between Mars and Venus:  men are simple creatures! Therefore, unlike our emotionally driven female counterparts, we tend to have a much simpler selection process when it comes to choosing our life partners.  So for starters, here a few things you should know…

# 1 – There is no trouble in paradise!

Women tend to believe that life with women is supposed to be some sort of paradise, and that most of us will run at the first sign of trouble in a relationship. Many believe that men cannot handle the many complexities of a woman; that men cower at the sight of female anger. And if a woman is strong-willed, goal-oriented or even outspoken in her views, men will misinterpret her independence and hop on the first train smoking as far away as possible.

Let’s face it – no man wants to be bothered with a woman who’s an angry “you-know-what.” In fact, I’ll be the first one to argue against the statement that “all women are angry you-know-whats.” I don’t even believe that every woman is angry…well, at least not all the time. However I will go so far to say that all women have these little things called “hormones” that get out of whack and cause women to occasionally act like a “you know-what” or, as I like to say, it’s Basically Impossible (for y’all) To Control (your) Hormones.  And when that happens, ladies, you really do make it difficult for us to be around you.

It’s almost as if much of the madness women dish out is not only excused, it’s actually expected nowadays. So from our point of view, even when things aren’t going well between us, there is no trouble in paradise  because we already know: there’s no paradise to begin with!  And from one Joe to another: “knowing is half the battle” – which brings me to my next point…

# 2 – Men don’t live in fantasies!

Rather than deal with your chemical imbalances and random emotional meltdowns from time-to-time, many women believe that men live in fantasies; that men are in search of the “perfect” woman with a pretty face, a nice pair of breasts, a body any woman would kill for, and someone who can make a meal so delicious that Paula Deen, herself, would approve. Oh and let us not forget, one that is submissive to our every manly need.

But sadly, you are wrong! This, too, is a myth. While all of the above sounds really great in a “perfect” world, men are practical creatures and we realize…the world is not perfect.  And neither are you.  Contrary to most women’s beliefs, men already know we’re never going to marry Miss April or May in next month’s issue of Playboy.  Nothing against any of these lovely playmates, however, most men who are even thinking about marriage are probably well passed the “glory years” and have traveled well into our mid 30’s or 40’s and we, ourselves, no longer have the great body that we once thought we had in high school and/or college! That being so, the chances at ever scoring one of these perfect 10’s is slim to none and therefore lives somewhere tucked far away in the back of dresser drawer underneath old socks and underwear.  Or in some cases, hidden and locked safely in the nearest tool shed. So believe me when I say, men don’t live in fantasies, we only dream about them! Why do you think gentlemen’s clubs were invented?

# 3 – Like mother, like son??!!

The relationship between a mother and her son is best compared to the relationship between a father and daughter.  Now, for most of you women reading this column, you understand this!  So in trying to understand what it is men are really looking for, you need to first look a little closer to home.  In fact, try looking at his mother!

Think about it, what makes a man happier than being able to first make his mother proud?  Notice I say “first!”  It’s not that men only care about pleasing their mothers; however, this is the first woman in our lives. Men first define “what” a woman is based on the examples of our mothers and what we see growing up. Now before you start name- calling, you should know that this does not make a man “mama’s boy.”  But it does mean that he respects his mother.  The more qualities this man finds in you that remind him of his mother, the more he’s drawn to you for the long haul.  Hell, if his parents were some of the lucky few that have managed to stay married, he understands the “ups and downs” of marriage and is just looking for someone that is just as loving and caring towards him as his mother was toward his father.  And he wants the same for his kids. So tread lightly when you’re tempted to criticize his mother.  Remember to keep your friends close and your future mother-in-law closer. She may hold the key, in a sense, to your happy home.  And that brings me to my last point…

# 4 – Men are afraid of failure, not commitment

I believe the good ole’ traditional American values of the “home” are still alive and well today. Men, for the most part, are still being raised with the notion that they are supposed to be the providers in the home. Because, traditionally, men were said to be the foundation of the family, we were the disciplinarians of our children and the problem-solvers for our wives. This understanding of the “male identity” made men feel secure and comfortable in their roles. But these days, both men and women work and share the responsibility of being providers; and, increasingly, women are becoming the actual breadwinners in their homes. While progress and wealth may be good, this has led to a relational dilemma. What is a man’s role in his home if he’s no longer perceived as the provider and problem solver?

Many women dismiss this dilemma as being a case of over-blown ego or male pride, but that is far from the truth. Simply put, a man just wants to know that he still matters to his woman.

Ladies, you have the power to make the changes you want to see in us. You just have to take a little more time to understand what we really want, and then show us that you’re “the one.” If you’re with us, then we’re with you. So, regardless of your mood swings, your menstrual cramps, or whatever else it is that makes you wake up and decide that you hate men today – all of that stuff combined won’t drive us away; as long as, we know that whenever you have a problem, you act like you believe that we can help you “fix” it.

So when it’s all said and done and you ask “why are so many men are still single,” chances are he’s probably already found his wife…you just haven’t chosen him yet!

Now, it’s obvious that some of you would rather hold on to your independence than cling to us – and that’s definitely your prerogative. We won’t stop you if you want to show us how you can do a better job at mowing the lawn than we can. Go ahead and change the light bulbs, wash your car and even take out the trash if you just have to. But if you start out that way, please be prepared to do all of those things for the remainder of our relationship. And know that we’re still expecting you to cook and keep yourself up on top of all that!

About the Author:  Drew Allen is a former talk show host and writer originally from the Midwest. He currently lives in southern California.